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Hello. So this is my foremost entry for July. I'm not sure if I can find the time to write more but we'll see. Yesterday was oral for me at BPSS. The school's better than mine but I guess life's never fair. And I've just found out that my LC would be on the same day as my guitar exam which means I've got to leave school early, rush to funan for the exam and rush back to school for another exam. I'm still wondering when disease will hit me. Anyways, school is a drag. I can't wait to get out of there - get out of here too and go far, far away. (to Korea or Australia/US to live with my cousins ^ ^) So...I'm trying out this new thing - potrait sketching. I've been sketching a lot of animes (well, a lot would be an overstatement. I've about thirteen in my album.) I'm going to far east on Monday because I really need a day out...but I haven't ask my dad yet. -.-" I'm going to make him buy another B&J tub of ice cream :) Then I can wallow up in my sorrow with it and gain weight. Sighs...I don't even eat much and I'm a fucking buffalo.
Went to school today for supps. I'm so glad that the science camp has finally ended. 1st period was english then the lit workshop at some club. Saw KF and CH before I left. At the club, there were like tons of people form different schools (there was a cute guy too) and me and P didn't pay much attention but instead made new friends. -.-" Yeah, so there. I've nothing much to say. Went for guitar at 5 then went to east coast because my aunt wanted to eat satay before she goes back to Australia. So, we walked around the beach until like 11, then my mom drove to mt faber for no reason and we went to the jewels..some luxurious place there. The toilet alone was damn beautiful (I want that to be my future toilet. LOL.) and then we went to the bar to drink...came back at about 2 and won't be able to wake up for tmr's supp. -.-"
I can't to move on but I don't want to wait forever. I dont' know what to do.
(Imperfection - Skillet)
You're worth so much, it'll never be enough
To see what you have to give
How beautiful you are, yet seem so far
From everything you're wanting to be
You're wanting to be
Tears falling down again
Tears falling down...
You fall on your knees, you beg, you plead
Can I be somebody else?
For all the times I hate myself
Your failures devour your heart in every hour
You're drowning in your imperfection
You mean so much that heaven would touch
The face of humankind for you
How special you are, you revel in your day
You're fearfully and wonderfully made
You're wonderfully made
Tears falling down again
Come let the healing begin
You fall on your knees, you beg, you plead
Can I be somebody else?
For all the times I hate myself
Your failures devour your heart in every hour
You're drowning in your imperfection
You're worth so much, so easily crushed
Wanna be like everyone else
No one escapes, every breath we take
Dealing with our own skeletons, skeletons
You fall on your knees, you beg, you plead
Can I be somebody else?
For all the times I hate myself
Your failures devour your heart in every hour
You're drowning in your imperfection
Won't you believe, yeah
Won't you believe, yeah
All the things I see in you
You're not the only one
You're not the only one
Drowning in imperfection
The trick is to keep breathing...shut out the world and seal your heart so you will remain emotionless.
An overwhelming sensation of hatred pours into my eyes
As I stare at this person that causes me so much pain
She looks at me and just sighs
Wondering what happened to make my face so plain
She asks me why my eyes look so empty, so desperate
They've cried all that they can cry, there's nothing left in them
They feel the pain my heart feels, such a painful way
Keeping all these emotions bottled up, they are lost inside
She says she can see right through me
She knows I’m not happy, she knows what I do
She watches me and that rusted blade
She watches the blood drip and slowly fade
This girl that stares at me all day
Is just another reflection that watches my every move
And hopes that someone, someday
Will come rescue me from my self inflicted hell
This stupid reflection is messing with my head
It’s taking over my confidence, my self esteem
She slowly lifts her head for her eyes to meet with mine
She has one last question so I can come clean
Why do you always dress in black? She asks
I’m mourning, I answer, with tears running down my face
Who are you mourning? She asks
Myself...I answer once more
I'll carve my apologies on my wrists, and let the guilt drip down my fingertips.
Hello. Well, I'
m back after almost 2 weeks of not blogging. Truthfully, I have nothing to say at all. Words have dissipated from my mind. There’s no word that could describe what I’m feeling right now.
Emotion
–noun
1. A mental state that arises spontaneously rather than through conscious effort and is often accompanied by physiological changes; a feeling.
2. A state of mental agitation or disturbance.
3. The part of the consciousness that involves feeling; sensibility.
4. The emotions of joy, sorrow, reverence, hate, and love.
"He spoke unsteadily in a voice that betrayed his emotion."
"The very essence of literature is the war between emotion and intellect." (Isaac Bashevis)
Somebody help me. I really need help. There’s something wrong with me. I’m not myself anymore. I can’t go back. It’s eating me alive. Irrational thoughts are overwhelming inside. I’m anxious, I’m afraid. Scratch those thoughts. Forget what I said. I’m absolutely fine. Really. Just leave me alone. Don’t take a step closer or else I’ll let go. I don’t need anyone. I don’t need anything. I just want...I don’t know what I want. I just need one reason. One. There’s blood trickling down my arm and yet I don't feel a thing. I want to be good enough. I want please you. But I’m cursed with imperfections and flaws that you keep reminding me of. I can’t hold on much longer. The strings are snapping. I’m going to let go. The only way out of this will be suicide because I can’t try any harder. I’ve been doing my best. I want to forget the bitter and horrible past but the memories are embedded deep within and have been haunting me throughout the years. But, I’m fine. Believe me. I’m okay. It’s easier to play pretend because I can temporarily be normal again.
You can't kill what you can't feel. It wouldn't sting, It won't break. I'm just a face..that needs no name.
I have finally mastered Lucky by Jason Mraz Ft. Colbie Caillat, Tongue Tied & When I'm With You by Faber Drive, Secret Valentine by We The Kings, Love Story by Taylor Swift, In Another Life by The Veronicas, Emotionless & Hold On by Good Charlotte and Broken by Seether Ft. Amy Lee on my classical guitar. Sweet. Next, I'll be starting to master more songs on my electric guitar.
Pain and lies. Cuts and bruises. So this is what I've become - dead inside.
(Poem composed by me):
The colours in this dimly lit world fades to gray
As the remnants of my broken heart, slowly fade away
My weary eyes fall upon a wilting rose
Its once red blossom dies as my sorrow grows
Feeling sad and alone as this freezing wind blows
Plagued by nightmares which no one else knows
The crippled rose wilts away day by day
Whilst further from my life's path I stray
The rose lies beside me, its head drooping down
In this night's darkness it soon will drown
I feel the rain gently touching my cold, pale face
Even the sky is crying for me and my disgrace
I hear water drops as they hit this frozen ground
As I’m left alone in this horrid place to which I’m bound
My eyes shed tears, but my weeping makes no sound
I long for someone yet I don’t wish to be found
The trees around me seem somehow ready to attack
But even if they would, I’m too weak to react
For I feel drained from all strength and will I lack
My reasons are gone and they’re not coming back
I remember the times I used to have a beating heart
But all is gone banished by this poisoned dart
And all I had has been cruelly ripped apart
Leaving me unwilling to take another start
When fierce storms embraced me, feathers used to fall
Nothing would stand in my way when I heard your call
Not even monsters or your own fortress’s wall
Justice had always prevailed over all
I don’t know what happened - why you sent me away
You wouldn’t even let me help you find your way
“You are worthless to me now and that’s all there is to say.”
I still feel the hatred in the words you said that day
You summoned demons and locked the door
You made sure that you won’t see me anymore
I felt something being torn apart deep inside my core
Knowing that now I’m just a “something” you abhor
I couldn’t make you change your mind and so I let you be
My eyes were burning with tears and so I could no more see
Shortly my white beautiful wings were taken from me
I could no more fly; I could no longer feel free
So that day I fell in my flight ending in this place
Where spiders crawl upon me avoiding my ashen face
And my heart started beating in this numbed pace
My halo broke as I’m left alone in this disgrace
Like a marionette, you pulled me by the strings
Pain and torment is what this world brings
Even as the slits on my wrist bleed and stings
No amount of pain can mend these broken wings
I’m finally giving up. I told myself to hold on to that minute hope but I can’t wait any longer. As each day passes by, this heart is turning numb. There’s no such thing as love as I’ve finally come to realize. Love is something one fantasizes in the mind. Because when one feels lonely or they have been constantly hurt by others, they yearn to be loved – for someone to make them live again. But now I finally understand that there’s no one to bring me to life, give me a reason to continue on living so I shall continue on this journey alone since death won’t accept me yet. I shall hide in the darkness and isolation – suicidal yet again. Depression is a disorder that will never heal.
let’s start with i’m a very complex individual. keep in mind that i’m not like the rest of the population on earth. introverted, influential, cynical and pessimistic. that’s me in four words. rebellion always gets me titled as trouble. i have many flaws because i don't try to be perfect so stop pointing them out. perfection does not justify absolute greatness. i’ve just discovered that i’m a perfectionist. to answer your doubts, i’m a mixed blood and agnostic. i'm not religious or anything, but if you don't like my ideas, well that sucks for you. playing the guitar, singing, writing songs, poems, stories and sketching. those are what i do in my spare time. i’m always deep in thoughts. i'm naturally quiet so i guess you're lucky if i open up to you. my music screams really loud at times but other times, they reflect how i’m feeling. i'm may seem mean and sarcastic but i’m actually nice. i'm blunt and i speak my what’s on mind. i also have trust issues. so in conclusion, i'm not perfect. but who are you to judge me? though i also can’t blame you if you judge me based on what i write here. my persona on the surface is bitter cold and my frankness would just pitifully pierce you but i don’t give a damn if i drive you off because i'm not here to please you. i'm just taking up web space. you can't break me so don’t bother trying. i’m actually an emotional person but that trait can override my cool, calm and collected exterior. also, i may seem unapproachable but that's because i don't do first introductions unless you take the initiative to speak to me. and lastly, for me, first impressions count because my first impressions are bad.