let’s start with i’m a very complex individual. keep in mind that i’m not like the rest of the population on earth. introverted, influential, cynical and pessimistic. that’s me in four words. rebellion always gets me titled as trouble. i have many flaws because i don't try to be perfect so stop pointing them out. perfection does not justify absolute greatness. i’ve just discovered that i’m a perfectionist. to answer your doubts, i’m a mixed blood and agnostic. i'm not religious or anything, but if you don't like my ideas, well that sucks for you. playing the guitar, singing, writing songs, poems, stories and sketching. those are what i do in my spare time. i’m always deep in thoughts. i'm naturally quiet so i guess you're lucky if i open up to you. my music screams really loud at times but other times, they reflect how i’m feeling. i'm may seem mean and sarcastic but i’m actually nice. i'm blunt and i speak my what’s on mind. i also have trust issues. so in conclusion, i'm not perfect. but who are you to judge me? though i also can’t blame you if you judge me based on what i write here. my persona on the surface is bitter cold and my frankness would just pitifully pierce you but i don’t give a damn if i drive you off because i'm not here to please you. i'm just taking up web space. you can't break me so don’t bother trying. i’m actually an emotional person but that trait can override my cool, calm and collected exterior. also, i may seem unapproachable but that's because i don't do first introductions unless you take the initiative to speak to me. and lastly, for me, first impressions count because my first impressions are bad.


my electric guitar, acoustic guitar, classical guitar, keyboards and violin. writing poems, stories and songs. reading. chips. sketching. contact lenses. hair products. singing. shopping. boys. junk food. electronic gadgets. solitude. going to shows. anime. music. randomness. apathy. humor. manga. black, red, white. hair straightener. skinnies. bands. ramen. art. jk-pop. visual-kei.

One day you will finally see
I'm not all I'm cracked up to be
The makeup, hair, and dolled-up eyes
Are cowardly, deceitful, swollen lies
I can put up a mask to hide my face
And pull on some clothes, with intentions to replace
Hide my "scars" so the world'll never know
Just what things I'm so afraid to show

The emotional pain hidden behind these eyes
Is something I have come to despise
All it does is kill so much quicker
Like an addict downing his last bottle of liquor
On day maybe you can tell
That through my life, I've been through hell
The fighting, words, and phrases spoken
Have left me feeling so heart broken
And there's nothing I can ever do
To replace the pain you put me through

---

If only you knew that all this while
All along it was not him but you
If only I had the guts to speak up
Then maybe you'd feel the same way too

But I kept thinking and I didn't want to
Break this peculiar bond that we kinda shared
Because even if I couldn't get to know you
It never changed the feelings that I had

I couldn't read your mind though I wish I could
You gave me signs but I told myself not to misread
Because I didn't want to make a fool of myself
Be left in tears, a broken heart and bleed

But even if I were to let you know, it's too late
And you'd probably just laugh at me and walk out the door
Because there's no way that you could feel the same way
And I knew it; I just didn't want to be alone anymore

If only we could be then maybe I could smile again

---

Silent night's her love's embrace
Rationed tears stream down her face
The smile conceals what inside lies
Spent youth, the lost love's sacrifice

The pain she owns is deep within
Tempered now by the deafening din
Broken though her heart may be
It keeps inside her misery

The dawn soon spells her soul's lament
Replaced her cloak of false content
She wears it well for all to see
As she dwells in silent agony

---

Could you please stop yelling
This screaming is hurting my head
Please Dad, just quit cursing at me
Stop acting as though I'm dead

"Haven't you eaten your dinner yet?"
No sorry Dad, I really did try
But you pushed me aside again
You feed me with more lies

I'll try harder today, Dad
I'll clean up as much as I can
Just so you can be proud of me
And realize what sort of daughter I am

Dad, why won't you listen?
Is it because you don't care?
I'm really sorry I was born
I just wish you and Mum were there

"Child, I wish you'd grow up"
Well Mum I tried that too
But every time i stood tall
You told me I wasn't as good as you

You always brought me down
You told me to hide away
Never was I allowed to live
In my room I had to stay

Did anyone know about me?
Did you tell them I was your girl?
I guess it was hard for you
You never wanted me in this world

Mum, I hate this pathetic family
You both laugh in my face
It's like you're both heartless
So it's time I leave this place

So before you have the chance to cry
Or say that maybe you're sorry
I'd just like to say I'm leaving
And there's no need to worry

I've packed my bags and I'm all set
I don't need my parents evil eyes
You were both gutless and weak
And now I'm free from the lies

---

I tried to forget everything about you but you just won't go away
You're in my dreams that turn into nightmares when I sleep each night
I know it's foolish of me but I can't seem to get you out of my mind
Why is it that everywhere I turn, you're there in front of me?

And the worst part is that I can't run away from you, can't avoid you
I don't know what to do and my mind just won't let me forget you
I don't want to ignore you're existence but I just want to get on with my life
Yet you're everywhere I am that I can't even smile or laugh without you

It's getting harder and harder for me as days go by and it's driving insane
But what can I say when I know it's my fault and not yours at all
I shouldn't have let my heart rule me and end up with this false hope
Now there's nothing I can do but wait for time to slowly fade it away

---

I stare at my reflection
In the broken mirror
Letting myself fall
Into a flood of tears

This strange little girl
Staring back at me
So sad and alone
But how could this be

I'm not the girl I once was
You changed me,
You made me who
You wanted me to be

No matter how hard I tried
I was just never enough
The road that you led me on
Was just too tough

When you left me all alone
I tried to stay strong
I soon realized I was weak
But you knew that all along

Tears pouring from my eyes
Wondering who I have become
The pain in me subsides
Cause of it, I've become numb

The reflection in the mirror
Is not what it seems to be
Cause it's not the mirror that is broken
The one that's broken is me

---

I cry myself to sleep
I curl in a ball and breathe
I hide within myself till no one can see
I go further and further within me

I go further and further within me
I hide within myself till no one can see
I curl in a ball and breathe
I cry myself to sleep

I hurt whenever I think of you
I can't get them all out of my head
I cringe at all the memories
I think of you in my bed
I cry myself to sleep

I cry myself to sleep
I think of you in my bed
I cringe at all the memories
I can t get them all out of my head
I hurt whenever I think of you